Dahlin-07: Update for our family.

For a while you can call the kids, Dahlin-07. (My husband is proud of his play on 007) Almost two weeks ago we had two new foster kids join our family. Here is my attempt to share with you how God has called us to this place, as foster parents, once again. 

My husband and I had been praying about adopting again for quite some time. We put that on hold after we learned that our son had a bio sister that was born but after she didn't come to us, we decided to officially continue the adoption process.

In December of this last year, as part of our annual giving-back gift, we were told about two kids in foster care who could use some extra gifts. So we gave the gifts, and I ended up connecting with their foster mom afterward online. We became an online support to each other but that was about it. The kids we gave gifts to were African-American siblings, a four-year-old girl and a three-year-old boy. 

His Smile.

Lately I have been feeling like that new mom who wants to shout about every little thing their child does! Because my youngest son, three years old, has been working so very hard this last year and has over come so many obstacles. So, for those of you who might pass him in public or see him at a social event might think his smiles and conversations and spontaneous hugs are no big deal, because they are age appropriate.

But I want to shout for joy because it is so different from where he was, because I was once so scared about his future. 

The other night I was near tears when he ran up to me with his arms wide open and said in his best deep voice, "Give me a hug!"

Not only is his language improving but more importantly his whole communication is growing. He seeks me out. He shows me his favorite toy. He sings the ABC's and he smiles. 

Oh how I love his smile.

Every time my son does the opposite of what he once knew I want to praise the Lord for His blessings. And to be honest, I am thankful we aren't there, in that dreaded place, anymore. There is relief in my exhale.

Hard Feelings

This last month had built up into a swirl of emotions. I wasn't even aware of how much they piled on top of each other until finally I erupted through tears. 

My sweet boy, Robert, has been with us for a year now and once before just after he was born. In between our family he moved twice into other foster homes. When we got him back when he was a little over a year old I thought bonding would be easy. 

Old journals, what a blessing!

Wow, reading through an old journal I started years before I had kids really took my breath away. God is amazing and I am so glad I wrote down my thoughts back then. What a blessing for me to see how perfect His timing is.

Back in 2005 just 2 years into being married my husband and I really started praying for God's will. We prayed the, popular at that time, prayer of Jabez.

One Year Anniversary to my sweet boy!

Our youngest boy has officially been in our home (for the second time) one year as of yesterday. I picked him up from the hospital at 2 days old and we had him for a short two months. He came back into our family when he was 16 months old and has been with us ever since.

5 Years

While I was unpacking and trying to get more settled in our new house I stumbled upon some old paintings I did years ago.

Then I saw this painting...

I remember the day I painted this.  I had never done a portrait before. They terrified me with the specific detail and proportions and they never turned out the way I hoped. But I was determined to make this work.

God shapes me...little by little.

Robert and I turn around to walk home after seeing Laura get on the bus. The other three littles are in pre-school and it is just the two of us holding hands and walking. 

I was reflecting on the conversation I just had with the bus driver. She was so excited about how much Robert was talking since having his BAHA (Bone Anchored Hearing Aid). He was waving and told her good bye with the biggest grin he could give. I spent a few minutes explaining his new BAHA and how it worked. 

Crying out to God

I have to share a song with you that has touched my heart. It has such emotion in the lyrics. So often we can relate to this song when we are in the trenches and don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.

This is Need You Now (How Many Times) By Plumb.

Hope you enjoy....

I was under no obligation to promote this video...just wanted to share something that moved me.

Mother's Day

Life has been so mellow...finally! We have been in our new house for over a month now and we are pretty much moved in. I have been enjoying my kids and our routine.

Just the other day I found out that the Birth Mom to two of our kids is having another baby. My face sunk in sadness. It consumed my thoughts the night I found out and most of the next day. I vented some of my frustrations to a close friend....

I am disappointed in her decisions...I feel guilty like I have given her a false sense of what her kids go through because I am not more open about their struggles with her over the little communication we have. I am angry because this puts me in a position of saying no to a child. I am so sad for our kids and the fact that they will have another sibling.

Home Sweet Home Part 3

I have to conclude that we found a house. Not the one I mentioned before but a house provided by the Lord none the less. We almost dismissed it because of the pictures online. It made it look smaller inside.

Last weekend we had two open houses to look at, one that I loved and one that my husband loved. We thought for sure we would pick one of these homes to put an offer on. As we pulled up to the first house we saw that nobody was there even though it was just minutes after they were supposed to open. I have a bad habit of being early but still, I expected them to be on time. Sadly they weren't and on the way we saw a sign for another open house so we decided to turn around and go check it out.

As soon as we pulled in front of the house I realized this was the one my agent sent me the pics to. Well, either way, it doesn't hurt to look. I ran inside while my husband sat in the car with the kids. This was our routine. With 5 kids little kids, house hunting can get a little crazy with having to find babysitters. So we would take turns going through the house.

Taste or Waste Life?

I have been thinking about the idea that we all spend so much time looking to the future. We fantasize about what is ahead, the possibilities. Maybe it is a bigger house, a new job, someday having a child, the list could go on. Why do we spend so much time thinking about the stuff that isn't the here and the now? Is it a way to drowned out our life when it is too much to handle?

Whatever the reason is we are missing out. We are going through life wasting our days. I have learned that if we are always looking ahead we will never get there. We will never get to the point where we find joy in our days. We will not be satisfied.

It is a bad habit to have, never enjoying the now. We often don't realize we are doing it.

Today the littles were down for naps, my 4-year-old daughter was playing in the living room while I sat at the counter catching up on emails, making appointments, and filling up my days.

Home Sweet Home Part 1

Last night my husband and I were laying in bed reflecting back on how we got to this point. Our house has a buyer and we will most likely move at the end of this month. We are planning to rent so we can search for the perfect house that fits our large family. We don't want to outgrow another house.

It all started with a post card we got in the mail about 6 months ago.  It doesn't happen often but we noticed a post card in our junk mail advertising a house for sale nearby. It was more than we thought we could afford but we fell in love with the pictures and just had to look inside. So we contacted our realtor and walked through. Oh and it was amazing. We knew we weren't ready to buy yet but started talking about our plan for the near future.   Eventually this house sold. But looking back on things this house got the process started for us.

Over the next few months we looked around at houses and started praying and talking about what we need to look for. We have kids with specific needs which will require a specific house.

One more week!

I can hardly believe that in one week we will go to court to finalize our adoption with our son! I can hardly find the words to share how excited I am. During this last year and a half I have been so eager for this day to come and even though we had him in our home I wanted desperately for it to be official.

I find now that I am still just as eager but with a different heart. Not so much to claim him as my own but with the joy of God's will being shown. Our family has been shaped in a way that I would have never dreamed but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I feel so blessed to have these 5 kids in my home to take care of. We keep going day by day and soon we will have Katie and Robert be official as well.

Praise God for this amazing life I have been blessed with. I am so thankful for a changed heart, one that is eager for His will and not my own.

5 Little Monkeys...Jumping on the bed

Oh where to begin? I have been putting off writing this post because I don't know where it will lead but the fact of the matter is, life is happening and I don't want to forget being in this place.

The nutshell: My husband and I are pursuing adoption of our previous foster daughter and her brother.  

The story:  We have watched adoptive families drop out of the race, back out last minute and even family resources change their mind after starting transitions. It breaks my heart to watch. She has been in a foster home with good friends of ours and we have been able to see her often. So much so, that she still calls us Mommy and Daddy.

When I grow up...

Drawing at the table with my 5 year old Daughter draws her best princess and tells me she wants to be a princess when she grows up. She has changed her mind from last week when she wanted to be a star.
Next she asks, "Mommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?" My first response is I am grown up. I am a Mommy. She isn't happy with my answer and keeps asking. I stumble as I try and think what I want to be...what do I hope for?

Why is it we think when we are set in a groove and living life that we don't have to dream anymore? We just accept where we are at and that is it? Don't we think God has more for us? I will always be a Mom but am I asking God how he can use me in other ways too?

I don't want to stop dreaming or settle for where I am now. God has amazing things for us. I hope that when I am old and grey that I still pray for God to use me and guide me and give me adventures that give Him glory.

Seeking God's will

I have had the joy of having one of our previous foster daughters come and stay with us for the past few days. We are thankful to still be in her life and as she nears adoption I try to guard my heart because I long for her to stay with us, we all do, but the details of her case are complicated as they always are. 

During breakfast today my husband and I were talking about our journey with this little girl. She has been in our lives for so long and we love her so much. I don't know what God has planned for her or for our family but I am eager to seek God's will. It was a worshipful conversation, one that we both opened our hearts and encouraged each other as we move ahead. We talked as we went through the house getting everyone ready for church. 

We got all four kids out the door and off to church. As I prepared for the sermon I realized that no matter what happens I have faith that God will provide and give both our family and our little foster daughter the best He has for us. God's plan is perfect for each of us. And even though I don't have the answers I can be thankful for what I can see now. 

I can praise God that I have a husband who seeks God and wants to live a life not out of the cookie cutter mold but more in the midst of God's beautiful plan. 

While singing praises this morning standing in the balcony of our church I smiled with joy for the amazing conversation at the breakfast table with my husband. God has given me a spouse who can walk with me and be encouraging as we prepare our hearts and watch God unfold life for this little girl. 

We had a powerful sermon and it brought a lot to my attention that I want to pray about as I try to see God's direction. One thing I know is that God tends to be loud and clear in the details. So that is my prayer today. 

The right place at the right time

On a Saturday morning when the kids are all asleep I wake up early. I can't believe I am up this early!  Normally I wake up to kids in my face asking for breakfast and eager to start the day. I close my eyes tight praying I can go back to sleep. I need more sleep! Not going to happen.

I head downstairs quietly, if I am going to be up this early I welcome some quiet time. After doing my devotions and making some tea I curl up on the couch with my laptop. I check my email and then go online and end up chatting with a friend.  As we get caught up she shares a major trial she is going through. My whole attitude changes, I am up so early and have the time to talk with out the distractions of the kids. I am able to be there for my friend and offer comfort and help her digest her situation. I spend the rest of my day feeling guilty about my bad attitude.  God obviously had other plans for me early that morning. 

The Lord must be trying to drive this point home with me because just a week later I had a meeting to go to early in the morning on a Saturday. By my own choice I had stayed up late the night before and was not happy about heading out to my meeting. I spent my morning being frustrated that I had this obligation to attend instead of enjoying a waffle breakfast with my family before I left.

As I finished up at the meeting I asked a friend who also attended how she was doing. You know the typical, "how are you?" when you expect, the "oh I am just fine" answer. My friend was really struggling. She is also a foster parent and has been really having a hard time. She was feeling drained, overwhelmed, dealing with issues that she didn't see coming. I have been there. I knew her exhaustion.

We were able to chat and vent and talk about possible solutions. I left with a heavy heart for this dear friend. I am so glad I was there and could be a support to her. So often as foster parents, it is hard to have others who understand what we were going through. She told me that she felt so alone and was shocked but thankful that I could relate to her situation. What a blessing that God had me attend this meeting and have time to chat with her on a day when she was really hurting. 

On the drive home I was thinking about everything we talked about, hoping I left her with something useful. I was so thankful I could help her because of something I went through. However, I don't think I would have been a big help to her if I hadn't completely digested my own situation. If I was still mourning my trials and not in a place where I could see how God walked me through it all and used it for His glory.

The idea of this really grabbed my attention. When God provides us with people we can give comfort to because of our situations or past experiences we have to be careful about what we are portraying to them. If I was still hurt, frustrated and angry I would not be able to give her hope and encouragement. I would dump all of my negative baggage on her which then makes it about me and not her. I could have made her feel worse or direct her in to a place that isn't where God is. 

When we come to a place where we are living a life not tied down by the past hurt and anger we can be filled with hope even after the worst situations. We can know that we survived and made it through by the grace of God. Our hearts will be full of love and our attitude will show it. 

We will go through trials big and small in life.  We will hurt and have pain and people will let us down. We will feel alone and scared. Are those feelings we want to carry with us each day? Do we want to hold onto them and then reflect those feelings to others around us? I don't think that is our intent but often what we do. 

It is my prayer that we can be deliberate about asking God to take away our hurt and show us His glory so we can be a hope to others. I often listen to speakers that can talk about their own personal struggles, some of them have been through tragic loss and pain, in a way that doesn't bring you down with them. They have made it through and you can hear in their words that they have been able to step back from the situation and heal from it and it isn't taking over their life and thoughts each day. 

This is my prayer for myself and all of you. God does so much more for us and we could miss out on so much joy if we keep holding on to the loss in our life.

If we can’t learn to stay focused on the joy of the Lord with the small hurts in life then we will not be successful with the big hurts in life.

Lord, I pray that you will work in my heart. Lord help me not have a negative attitude about the small inconveniences in life but see them as opportunities to follow you and be a servant to others. Thank you for my trials, they have helped me grow and have helped me love others around me. Please God help us focus on Your will and the love that comes from having a joyful heart. Amen. 

Nourishment

After a stressful morning with appointments and children who weren't behaving I come home and eat lunch, trying to find every carb in the house and desperate for nap time to hurry and get here. After the kids are asleep I could crawl into bed with my laptop, look around on facebook and vent about my morning. I could enjoy a chocolate dessert and tell myself I deserve it after a morning like that. I have done this routine before and it doesn't have any benefit.

I could just as easily make the choice to have my usual healthy lunch and tuck my kids into bed and rest my body as well, both emotionally and physically. So often when our kids are having a rough time it is due to another need, stress, lack of sleep or food, anxiety, etc... We all need some time to quiet down and relax. Laying in bed I often escape online or in a book but rarely run to my Father.

I have to ask myself, "Did I start my day with devotions and prayer? Did I consult the Lord about my attitude and keep my focus that God gave me this day?"

On the days I choose to take some time for God I find that I am satisfied, filled with nourishment so I can help guide my kids through their day.

Lord,
Thank you for each and every day you give me on this earth. I pray that I will remember to turn to you in times of stress but more importantly that I will have a daily relationship with you so I am nourished in a way that worldly things can not satisfy.

You knit me together in my Mother's womb.

On a drive with my husband we started talking about how far we had come as parents. We have two little girls who were both amazing in their own way. We were blessed to have loved a handful of foster kids and we are on our way to adopting our foster son. It was a reflective conversation about how much God had done to bring us to our little guy.  We have seen God's hand through the whole thing.

Then at one point it dawned on me. In the midst of all of our chatting I finally saw it. When God created our little boy and designed him in his Mother's womb it was always the plan for him to be our son. Just in the same way as He created each of our girls to be in our family. It may have taken a little longer to get to us and came with a bumpy road but it was God's plan. There is such joy in knowing that! I hold on to this thought as we finish the adoption process.

Psalm 139 is a wonderful reminder that we are each specifically designed and created. Thank you Lord.

Psalm 139:13-16
For you created my inmost being; 
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful, 
    I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.