Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Old journals, what a blessing!

Wow, reading through an old journal I started years before I had kids really took my breath away. God is amazing and I am so glad I wrote down my thoughts back then. What a blessing for me to see how perfect His timing is.

Back in 2005 just 2 years into being married my husband and I really started praying for God's will. We prayed the, popular at that time, prayer of Jabez.

1 Chronicles 4:10
"And Jabez called on the God of Israel saying, "Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!" So God granted him what he requested."

My husband and I desperately wanted God to do something bold with our lives. We wanted God to use us for His glory.

I started documenting our life in this journal.  It was my intent for our kids to get a glimpse into who we were before they were born. I would write to my children not knowing who they would be.

I was struck by how much I talked about having kids from birth and also through adoption. I know back then that my attitude was that it would never happen. Adoption had always been a dream of mine but one that I doubted would ever come into reality. I think I felt like I was this small person in this big world and didn't think that I was good enough, mature enough, or strong enough. I thought the dream was too big, something that would never come true.

As I started to flip through the pages I saw a pattern. I wanted to be a mother so very bad. That same year many of my friends were having kids and I was making the hard choice to wait. Both my husband and I wanted very much to have kids when I could stay at home to take care of them. It was the only thing driving me to wait. I wanted to give in and get my instant joy and throw caution to the wind but thankfully I had a strong husband who reminded me why we were waiting. I wanted to enjoy my children and wait until he finished college and had a stable job so I could be the mother I longed to be.

I read through my words, "I ache to have a family, I want to be a mother so bad...." I would list all the things I hoped for my kids. I prayed for them before they were ever born.

So as I read these reflections from many years ago, on a day when I am struggling to seek God's will in a phase that my two-year-old son is going through, I remember that I wanted this so very bad...and God provided. God chose me to be the mother to not one but five beautiful children.

 I think I needed a reminder of the joy I had, and still have, but often lose sight of.  I needed to see how God worked out his perfect timing and that it means that He knows all of our struggles and He will help us get through them or endure them for as long as we need to.

In 2005 I wrote about wanting to be a mom and said, "God gives us the desires of our heart, He just relies on us to be patient." I was giving my desires to God and was willing to wait for the right time to be a mom.

The exact same day one year later in 2006 I wrote in my journal that I was pregnant! Isn't God just so creative in how He works?!

Our first daughter was born in 2007.
Our second daughter was born at the end of 2008.
Our adopted son was born in 2010 and came into our family in 2011 and was adopted in 2012.
Our foster daughter was born in 2010 and came into our family at 3 months old and will soon be adopted.
Our foster son was born in 2011 and came to our family at birth and will soon be adopted.

God is SO Good! Back in 2005 I was desperate to be a mom. My heart ached to have a family. I doubted that my desire to have a family through birth and adoption was ever possible. Little did I know that God had designed the perfect family for my husband and me.

I am so glad I waited on the Lord and listened to His calling and allowed Him to plan our family perfectly. He provided the desires of my heart....in His perfect timing.

I am thankful for this sweet reminder that God knows what He is doing.

I don't.

I pray that I have faith to follow Him and trust Him and pray to Him in my time of need. We sometimes struggle as parents and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel but my prayer is that my heart will be in Him through it all.

So on this day when I feel like this sweet boy that I am blessed to call son, struggles with needs that I don't always understand, I pray I will remember Jesus brought us together and I can have faith that we will get through this. I want to cling to those heart felt moments in my journal when I feel like I am failing as a mother because I don't always know how to help my kids when they struggle.

Having children with special needs has brought me to a place where I need God every step of the way. Every time I think I can do it on my own I realize that I need Jesus. My kids need me to need Jesus.

1 comment:

  1. Your words resonate with me in so many ways! Love to you and your amazing family! ~Jen Y.