Expectations. How do I live without them?

As we walked down the busy street to my daughter's school carnival I found myself soaking in the night. It was our first day of real sunshine and fresh air after a long winter. Finally it was starting to feel like spring. Holding hands and pushing the umbrella stroller we embraced the evening.

My daughter is in kindergarten and we are in the first years of what I call, "setting the tone." We are building relationships, people are learning about our family and it either becomes a deal breaker or not an issue at all.  I admit that I wanted it to go well. It was our fist school function with all of us attending.    I wanted a night out with our family where we could have fun and enjoy the party and go home feeling refreshed. As a stay at home Mom I am always up for a social event to get recharged.

There were long lines at the ice cream truck, games in the gym, a book fair in the library and clowns passing out animal balloons. The noise of the crowd was a blessing. If our kids got fussy over something  it was drowned into the background of all the chatting. They all did great, we were able to visit with some parents we were getting to know better and our daughter introduced us to her classmates. Even our son James, with his anxiety, walked up and hugged the Clifford the Big Red Dog at the book fair. It felt good to be out, everyone enjoyed meeting our kids and we were having a good time. I took a deep breath and let myself enjoy the evening.

Toward the end of the night we were waiting to see if we won the silent auction item we bid on and ran into our daughter's teacher. She met our kids, who she had heard so much about and our little 3 year old Katie eagerly wanted to be picked up as she does with any new person we meet. Mrs. M picked her up and seemed comfortable holding her. We continued to chat about the event and soon Katie wanted to be put down. It is almost like she tests people out with being held and then she is fine to stand and visit. She is little enough that it comes across as still age appropriate.

Suddenly I look down and see Katie bent over on the ground licking the top of Mrs. M's black shiny  shoe. I was mortified inside. I grabbed her right away and handed her to my husband and apologized. I think I tried to explain her behavior but stumbled over my words. "I am so sorry, she just um...she just...." Thankfully Mrs. M knew some about Katie and it didn't seem to bother her. We departed and finished the evening.

I couldn't get it out of my head. I wasn't super embarrassed, well I was, but I kept feeling shock over the situation. I didn't see that coming, she has never licked someone's shoe before. Even as I write that I want to laugh and cry at the same time. Not tears for myself but more sad about the realization that maybe I have been living with blinders on.

Friends and family try to remind us of ways our kids who have special needs are just like other kids. Maybe to try to provide comfort to us, or maybe to make it easier for themselves. Yes, our kids are great kids and they have a lot of behaviors that are on track for their age. But in the midst of trying to ease the awkward moments for those around me I think I have tried to candy coat things for myself as well. So much so that I was shocked when this happened. I didn't know how to respond. I anticipated meltdowns after standing in line too long. I was prepared to leave early if we needed to. I had a plan, we could enjoy the evening and before it escalated too much we could go home.

I am sad to think that I have been acting this way all this time. Was I at fault for hoping we could have an evening out with no hiccups? Licking the shoe isn't what bothers me so bad. I think I am bothered more at myself. I am sad that I wanted to pretend things were going to be a certain way. I had expectations for my kids. We all do though don't we? As parents? It doesn't mean I love them any less when they fail to follow through, but maybe I am at fault for having them in the first place. I don't know.

So here I digest where I am at as a parent. Will I ever be the parent who has tough skin and doesn't care if we are embarrassed out in public? I used to be the teenager who could dance around with my friends in a public place and not care but somewhere along the line I have put these expectations on myself and my family.

How often do we say at the end of a party, "that went well." Because everyone met our expectations. There were no fights, mishaps, big blunders that we think ruin an event. 

I am in conflict because I know this isn't where I want to be but it is how I have been living. I think I am more embarrassed with myself. Realizing I need to be in a place where I can remove myself from the expectations I have on my children and even the expectations I have for myself as a parent.

Yes, I could learn from this and next time bring Katie a "Chewy" to help her get through the night with oral stimulation. I could have had her wear her vest to give her more security but I know that I will never be one step ahead of the new behaviors that will come. The moments will happen when I am reminded that I need to let go of my expectations and just love my children and enjoy life.

I am inspired by a story my husband heard at a Men's retreat about a man speaking about his son who had Downs Syndrome. He had spent so much time, as we all do, dreaming about all of the milestones he would witness with his child but after parenting him, he learned to just love his son and not dwell on where he was in life. The thing that stuck with me about the story is that he said it was so freeing to just love him unconditionally and rather based on what he would do or accomplish. This is how God loves us, not based on our behavior but just because he loves us.

So often we can get wrapped up in the expectations of our children or for our family and most of all of ourselves. But if we keep our focus on just loving each other like Christ loves us, maybe we will lose sight of those assumptions we have about how life will play out.

I adore each of my children. I am so blessed to be their mom and I pray that God will teach me to keep my sight on Him and not worry about the little things in life.

Vulnerable yet hopeful,
Carrie

Article: "The Busy Life" Continues...

Many of you may have read my recent article "The Busy Life" published in Fostering Families Today magazine March/April 2013. In the article I gave some tips to help get through the busy routine of being a Foster Parent. Here are some more helpful tools that could help you as you fight the battle with the calendar.


Trade Time:
Finding someone you can trade babysitting with is a wonderful blessing. If you can find a parent or caregiver you could exchange with, you could both take advantage of the help. This is also a great idea for a much needed day off. Maybe a day to run errands without a handful of little ones tagging along. Or a morning to just sit in the quiet.

I have a close friend who had 4 kids of her own and would exchange babysitting all day with another friend who had 4 kids. So once a week they would have 8 kids all day while the other one got a free day to do what they needed. Then they would switch. Trading time without having to fit money into your budget for childcare is a great way to get some much needed time and help out a fellow caregiver.

Your Style:
Everyone has their own style when it comes to routine. Embrace yours and make it work for you. Think about how you want to run your errands and make it important on your calendar. If you like doing a lot all in one day and get it over with then block out the time for you to do that, with nothing else that day. Or if you like just one or two things each day then you can set the best time to do that. I have learned the hard way that I need to have a mellow day at home after a busy day of obligations. If I have too many busy days in a row I will get overwhelmed. If I schedule a big shopping day with the hope of doing some freezer cooking, well, I better have time the next day to get it done or it won't happen. There is no right or wrong way to work your calendar just think about what would fit your family the best.

When to Say No:
We could fill our days with every invite and every obligation we are approached with but then we will lose time for ourselves and our family. It is so easy to say yes right on the spot. If we have an empty square on the calendar than why wouldn't we fill it, especially if it is something fun. However, as the day approaches we feel the guilt and stress that we now have another obligation when we really just need a day off at home. It is hard to say no, we often feel the need to have an excuse. The reality is that we need to take care of ourselves too.

After too many months of having no day off, not one, I felt the stress changing who I was. I didn't have anytime for myself or just to enjoy my family at home. I hated the idea of missing out on the latest gathering more and more I was putting myself on the back burner. After one month of having obligations, extra work days, parties, birthdays, appointments and anything else I said yes to I realized I had only 2 days in the whole month of being at home. I was behind on laundry and we were eating out all of the time because I was too tired to cook and I felt exhausted. So my husband and I decided to gaurd our calendar the next month and not book up our weekends and limit our week activities. What a breath of fresh air. I noticed a huge difference! I try to remember the words, "When you say yes to everyone else, you are saying no to yourself."

Therapy Homework:
We can often get a long list of homework from our children's therapists. It can be easy to feel guilt for not doing every ounce of each of the recommended activities. I absolutely think they are important and if they can fit in our schedule they should be a priority. There is a reason for homework and can greatly improve our child's behavior. However, if there are too many items, try to break them up. Focus on one for a few weeks then move to another.  Create a specific time each day to try to accomplish these tasks. This will help keep it consistent for the child and help remind you to work on them.

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I would love to hear other tips you have learned along the way. The important thing to remember is that we will get busy, but we can always start fresh tomorrow. If we listen to what our body needs, what our family needs, we can make a schedule that works for us. We need to remember to guard our time without rushing to please those around us at the expense of our sanity. I hope these tips help!